“Hellooo.” A Note to Republican Conservatives

Friday, January 23, 2012

Hi. I’ll be brief. And I’m going to whisper this in the hope that you’ll pay attention. Come closer to the screen. ..Not too close. There. Perfect.

“Newt Gingrich isn’t the second coming of Ronald Reagan. At best, he’s the second coming of Richard Nixon!!”

Thank you. Have a nice day.

-wf

Breaking the Law: FYI Newt

Dear Newt:

Hey.  How’s it going?

FYI, The following is an excerpt from a publication by the Office of the Clerk, U.S. House of Representatives.  I believe you’re familiar with the organization. The use of bold print was my doing.

“Lobbying Disclosure Act Guidance“
Effective January 1, 2008
Reviewed/Last Revised December 15, 2011

Section 12 – Penalties
Whoever knowingly fails: (1) to correct a defective filing within 60 days after notice of such a defect by the Secretary of the Senate or the Clerk of the House; or (2) to comply with any other provision of the Act, may be subject to a civil fine of not more than $200,000, and whoever knowingly and corruptly fails to comply with any provision of this Act may be imprisoned for not more than 5 years or fined under title 18, United States Code, or both.

The law they’re talking about is the “Lobbying Disclosure Act;”, PUBLIC LAW 104-65-DEC. 19,1995 109 STAT. 691, Public Law 104-65 104th Congress, 109 STAT. 691, which opens with the following text:

An Act

To provide for the disclosure of lobbying activities to influence the Federal Government, and for other purposes.

Be it enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America in Congress assembled,

SECTION 1. SHORT TITLE.
This Act may be cited as the “Lobbying Disclosure Act of 1995″.

Hmm?  1995.  If my memory (Wikipedia) serves me, you were in the House from 1978 until you resigned effective January 3, 1999, after having been disciplined for an ethics violation in January of 1997 and a less than stellar performance by House Republicans in November of 1998.  You were Speaker of the House when they passed this law.  An Historian and avid reader such as yourself must have been keenly aware of its contents.

So Newt, tell me.  Why didn’t you just register as a lobbyist when Freddie Mac hired you?  Why risk the fine or imprisonment?  Com’on, just between you and me..  Nobody reads my blog anyway.  ..what in the world did Freddie Mac’s Director of Public Policy, Craig Thomas, a registered lobbyist, hire you to do?

-wf

Breaking the Law: Newt’s Other Contract With America

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Well, Newt has released his January 1, 2006 contract with Freddie Mac which pays his company, The Gingrich Group, $25,000 per month for 12 months, a total of $300,000. (The full text of the contract can be seen at The Washington Post’s “The Fix,” in an article by Rachel Weiner posted yesterday evening. There were other contracts covering 1999 through 2008 that, including this 2006 contract, paid Newt’s firm in excess of $1.6 million, but this 2006 contract is the only one the Gingrich campaign has released so far.

According to the contract, Newt’s company was hired by Freddie Mac’s Director of Public Policy, Craig Thomas, a registered lobbyist. By “hired,” I mean that Mr. Thomas represented Freddie Mac and executed the contract on Freddie Mac’s behalf.

Message to Mitt: You’re missing your own point.

Monday, January 23, 2012

“Mitt, Mitt, Mitt.” I’m shaking my head and sighing while I say that. From one dork to another, let me tell you that you don’t get it.

Later tonight you’re going to participate in another debate with Newt, this one being a prelude to the Florida primary. Newt plays well to the audience, in the studio and on their couches across America. The thing is, he’s a jerk, an ethically challenged jerk at that, who’s only claim to fame is that he’s perhaps the best possible example of what’s wrong with politicians in general and Washington in particular.

Again and again, we keep electing politicians President, and again and again we’re disappointed with their performance. It’s no wonder. (See “Voter Insanity” for elaboration of this last point.) What we need in charge of our government is a “Manager,” with a capital M and in quotes, a senior executive with demonstrated management capabilities who has achieved, in multiple private and public sector venues, success at a very high level. ..Know anyone like that?

Last Picked

Short Fiction for Guests of the Wordfeeder
Friday, December 30, 2011

“Hey.”

“Hey. ..I’m just finishing up. What can I..”

“Some of us are going out for burgers, the little Happy Hour kind. Why don’t you join us?”

“Well, for one thing, I don’t eat beef and I have absolutely no social graces.”

“Why don’t you eat beef? Is it a religious thing?”

“No. It’s a saturated fat thing.”

“What about forks? Do you eat with your fingers, or do you use forks?”

“Only when I order soup.”

“Great. What more can a girl ask? You’ll fit in perfectly.”

Bathroom Windows

Short Fiction for Guests of the Wordfeeder
Tuesday, December 27, 2011

“Hey, Jaime.”

There was, he had decided some time ago on the day they had started sleeping together, no more friendly greeting than a beautiful woman calling out to you from her shower. They weren’t lovers, not exactly, just friends who had sex occasionally. It was the casual pleasure of it all that he found so irresistible, that made him so glad he’d rented her the cabin next door.

Years ago, when his grandparents bought the land along the bayside of the ocean inlet, their family and friends thought it was a nice thing, but a waste of money. So far off the beaten path, the only way there was a dirt road that stopped at the dunes, a good mile from where they built the small cottages so close to each other, one for themselves and, later, another for Jaime’s parents. Over the years they’d built more, a total of twenty, renting the others out whenever they could find a tenant which wasn’t often then, but pretty much all the time now that the ocean side of the peninsula was crowded with condos, hotels, stores and clubs. Most of his grandfather’s property, several times the land occupied by the cottages, remained wild and untouched by development.

Decades after his grandparents first vacationed there, Jaime was his family’s sole survivor. A good guy addicted to writing, he lived there year around, essentially for free, enjoying the quiet of the bayside and the easy going excitement of the ocean city nearby. He wrote mostly screenplays, perfecting his art in lazy anticipation of the story he was sure some Hollywood producer would buy someday.

Interview With An Alien

Short Fiction for Guests of the Wordfeeder
Monday, December 19, 2011

“So. What do I call you?”

“Bob. I like ‘Bob.’ It’s simple, friendly and it’s a palindrome.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means it’s spelled the same way forward and backward.”

“And that’s handy because…?”

“It’s just neat.”

“I see. Okay, let’s…”

In the unfurnished apartment next door, two people sitting at folding tables are recording and watching the conversation on three flat screen monitors. One of them is a man in his fifties, a senior psychologist with an unspecified government organization. The other, a woman in her early thirties, the FBI agent who’d caught this assignment. Yellow pads are out, but without much on them. It’s a low priority case, the first one the FBI agent has been given to handle on her own. A single, perfunctory Homeland Security guard is leaning on the kitchen counter, playing something on his cell phone. A specially reinforced front door on the other apartment, with radio controlled locks, negated the need for anyone in the hallway.

Yes, my wife has left me…

Thursday, December 15, 2011

..for a short, bald guy who giggles when you blow raspberries on his tummy. Now how can I compete with that?

Apparently, according to recent studies, people aren’t getting married like they used to. And puh-leeze don’t tell me “no one’s going to buy the cow if you can get the milk for free.” I never did get that expression. Who wants to marry a cow anyway? (Isn’t that kind of thing against the law? I’ll ask Governor Perry. He’ll know.) Besides, I’ve been going to the grocery store a lot lately, and the milk is anything but free.

If taxes, companionship, the concept, if not the reality, of sex on a regular basis and the thrill of knowing someone who sees you without pretense or makeup will still come home at the end of the day – and did I mention love?… If these weren’t reasons enough to get married, or at least live together, let me add one more that’ll put the oft-maligned tradition over the top: Time. Alone, there just isn’t enough of it.

Voter Insanity

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

It’s said that one definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over again expecting a different outcome. By that standard, the American electorate is, plain and simple, nuts.

Our Founding Fathers were not professional politicians, certainly not by today’s definition of the concept. They were businessmen and professionals with political skills, acting politically. They were also forming a government, not running one and that’s a big, very significant difference.

Dear Journal,

Short Fiction for Guests of the Wordfeeder
Thursday, December 8, 2011

11:20 PM. He’s in bed. It’s dark, except for some faint light coming through the bedroom window blinds and the not so bright lamp on his night table.

“Hellohhhh.”

“Hello?”

“It’s me, Journal. ..You were expecting Ryan Gosling?”

“I was hoping for Ryan Reynolds.”

“Yeah, right. Well if you were Scarlett.. Scarlett..?”

“Johansson.”

“Whatever, the one with the body that won’t quit, I could be Ryan Reynolds.”

“They broke up.”

“Really? Do you have her number?”