Category Archives: Humor

Breaking News: Israeli agent steals Iranian bomb!

Friday, September 28, 2012.

Despite photographic evidence to the contrary, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, in New York following his dramatic “red line” speech at the United Nations yesterday, denied reports circulating throughout the Middle East to the effect that an Israeli Mossad agent, known only by the code name “Felix,” has stolen a prototype Iranian bomb.

 
The picture, taken through the lens of a tourist’s souvenir spy glass against the backdrop of the moonlit desert, is considered proof positive that Iranian bomb development is farther along than CIA intelligence has recently reported.

Believing the rumors to be true, western-leaning Arab leaders in the region are saying privately, “Mazel tov!” to Israel for having stolen the device without having to resort to a full-on air attack on Iran’s famed Acme Bomb Factory, widely believed to be the facility where the device was developed.

-wf

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A little self-deprecating humor.

Friday, June 29, 2012

No article. Just the cartoon.

Think I’m kidding? See the WordFeeder’s political blog, www.NextContestant.us.

My Love Letter to Whole Foods

Thursday, December 1, 2011

“Ahhhh.” ……Oh, sorry. I was just remembering the day, the moment I fell in love with a grocery store.

Where good grocery stores go when they die.

It was the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. I had been dispatched by my wife, relative to whom I am a 1099 employee who works for pumpkin pie, to pick up a whole turkey, plus a turkey breast and some other items. Apparently, science hasn’t been able to engineer a single bird with a large enough bust line to satisfy my family’s demand for white meat. You’d think this would be a high priority for the animal husbandry specialists at Victoria’s Secret Farms where they grow the models.

And off I went, leaving at 6 AM to drive the 32 miles to the largest of the area Whole Foods Markets. That’s “Whole” as in “whole-some.” Whole Foods, if you don’t know, is a chain of upscale grocery stores. Natural this, organic that. It’s clean. Friendly. Well stocked with really attractive food. If I was single a fruit or vegetable, it’s where I would go to meet someone. (Do fruits and vegetables have gender? If not, where do those cute little dipping carrots come from?)
Continue…

Mandel Bread, the Final Solution to the Gulf Oil Problem

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Mandel (pronounced “mahn-dle”) Bread, if you don’t know what I’m talking about, is Jewish biscotti. I like to call it “Miracle Bread,” because I believe it is miraculous that it stays together despite the fact that it has, in my opinion, negative moisture content, if that’s possible. You think you understand the meaning of the word “dry”? Well, you don’t have a clue what you’re talking about until you’ve tried some, Mandel Bread that is.

However tasty, Mandel Bread is best consumed in small bites which can be difficult to swallow without a beverage, hence the tradition of dipping it into something. Just be careful not to overdo it. Too much Mandel Bread at one time and you won’t see saliva in your mouth for a month. Two or more pieces at a time will turn you into a raisin.

The absorptive powers of Mandel Bread are legendary. Even an undergraduate student in ancient history knows that Moses didn’t part the Red Sea, not exactly, but that the Jews, in a hurry to get the hell out of Dodge, spilled cartloads of freshly baked Mandel Bread which soaked up the water and allowed them to pass. It’s true. That’s the way it happened. I know this because my Grandfather told me, when I was a kid, that he was there and knew Moses personally.

And so, flash forward a few thousand years, the solution to the Gulf Oil problem is simple. First, we need to replace BP CEO Tony Hayward with someone who’s Jewish or Italian. (The British like to make scones, but they’re not nearly as effective.) Second, get everyone to work baking Mandel Bread and dump the finished product directly onto the oil in the gulf. I’ve done some calculations, and determined that less than 100 pieces using my Grandmother’s negative moisture recipe should do the trick. Hell, 200 pieces of that stuff will suck up enough sea water to offset the effect of rising sea levels associated with Global Warming.

Jeez, that was easy.

-wf


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Bubba and the Other Tomatoes

The other tomatoes never felt comfortable around Bubba because of his size, and were often cruel to him with their comments… until he was drafted by the NFL and given a multi-million dollar contract, while the rest of them went on to be salad.

-wf


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Breaking News: Nobel Prize Awarded to Fetus

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Olso, Norway, October 11, 2009, 9:01 AM ET. Chairman (and former Prime Minister of Norway) Thorbjoern Jagland, speaking on behalf of the Norwegian Nobel Committee, announced the award of this year’s Nobel Prize in Genetics to the love child of American Actors Megan Fox and Robert Buckley.

The announcement, made just 60 seconds after a TMZ story that Ms. Fox was six weeks pregnant and that Mr. Buckley was probably the father, cited the contribution of the Fox-Buckley fetus to the gene pool. “We believe,” so said Chairman Jagland to drooling press of both genders covering the event, “that the child will evolve into a smokin’ hot twenty-something that members of the Committee had already begun fantasizing about.” Sweating profusely, Chairman Jagland, and the four women members of the five person committee, then excused themselves from further comments and interviews, asking for the indulgence of the press while they had some “private time” to reflect on their award.

Neither Ms. Fox nor Mr. Buckley, who are said to be vacationing in Cabo San Lucas, was available for comment.

The Fox-Buckley fetus qualified for the award based on Ms. Fox and Mr. Buckley having met for the first time at a Brentwood (Los Angeles), California Starbucks on January 31 of this year, the day before nominations for the 2009 award were closed.

Recommended reading… “Who is Thorbjoern Jagland?” by Dan Calabrese, writing in the The Northstar National, October 10, 2009

-wf


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